Well, Mr Gumby, the 'dirty laundry' metaphor is your's not mine but I can't fault it.
However, if pressed, I think I'd resort to language that was altogether more pithy, mono-syllabic and Anglo-Saxon in nature hinting at a (lack of) cranial capacity, a (surfeit) of excremental content and implying (dubious) parental provenance. But none of that would be polite or acceptable here or anywhere else.
Thanks, as always, for your time.
Won't you consider BRG? I'm sure Bentley's famous and prestigious colours would suit you.