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sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 6:31:03 PM   
robpost3


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Print From correspondents in Port Moresby

August 16, 2007 12:00pm

The descendants of Papua New Guinea cannibals who killed and ate four Fijian missionaries in 1878 have apologised.

Fiji's High Commissioner to PNG, Ratu Isoa Tikoca accepted the apologies at a reconciliation ceremony near Rabaul in PNG's East New Britain Province yesterday in front of thousands of people.

"We at this juncture are deeply touched and wish you the greatest joy of forgiveness as we finally end this record disagreement," Ratu Tikoca said.

PNG's Governor-General Paulias Matane told the crowd he appreciated the work of the early Fijian missionaries in spreading Christianity in the islands region.

The ceremony marked 132 years since Methodist ministers and teachers from Fiji arrived in the New Guinea islands region in 1875 headed by Englishman George Brown.

In April 1878, a Fijian minister and three teachers were killed and eaten by Tolai tribespeople on the Gazelle Peninsula.

Brown directed and took part in a punitive expedition that resulted in a number of Tolais being killed and several villages burnt down.

His actions caused a storm of protest in the Methodist Church.

Official investigations by British colonial authorities in the Pacific cleared him of criminal charges.


http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22254565-5006506,00.html


_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."


Post #: 1
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 6:49:08 PM   
PunkReaper


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From: England
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Interesting post. I have never been keen on apologies for acts carried out way back in history. Coming from Liverpool England our council often seems to be apologising for the slave trade that Liverpool's traditional wealth is based on. Although I agree that slavery was so so wrong I wonder about the need for an apology for something that happened many generations ago. How far back should people go. The Italians have so far refused to apologise or offer compensation to the druid community that the Romans massacered in Angelesy Wales. I realise that Britain leads the pack where past wrongs were carried out but if apologies are always necessary then we will have to create a full time Minister of Apologies.

(in reply to robpost3)
Post #: 2
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 6:59:29 PM   
robpost3


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From: the backwoods of Mass.
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Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!

The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!

_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."



(in reply to PunkReaper)
Post #: 3
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 7:46:15 PM   
Yogi the Great


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All I can say is if you kill and eat me, I'm not accepting any apologies.

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 8:23:43 PM   
shunwick


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Cannibalism is wrong? That's going to upset a few in these parts...

Best wishes,


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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/16/2007 8:33:27 PM   
anarchyintheuk

 

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There may have been an misunderstanding as to the correct form of the eucharist ritual. "Body and blood of missionaries" isn't that different from "body and blood of JC".

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 12:11:05 AM   
morvwilson


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Punk Reaper

I realise that Britain leads the pack where past wrongs were carried out but if apologies are always necessary then we will have to create a full time Minister of Apologies.

We here at the Department of Apologies of Californians(DAC), a branch of the Ministry for Silly Walks, hereby apologies for any involvment Californians may have had in the previously mentioned canabalism.
Further, we at the DAC apologize for the length of time required to present this apologie, we at the DAC are a bunch of insensitive prats!

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Post #: 7
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 12:12:41 AM   
morvwilson


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We at the DAC would like to appologize for the previous apologie. After all prats are people too and we did not mean to imply that all prats are insensitive.

PS. The prat that made the first appologie has been fired.

< Message edited by morvwilson -- 8/17/2007 12:13:49 AM >

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 12:16:55 AM   
morvwilson


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We at the DAC would like to apologize to the first prat for being fired by the second prat.
The second prat that fired the first prat has been fired!
(Hey, wait a minute, I'm running out of prats! Help! I'm in a vicious apologie circle!)

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Post #: 9
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 2:27:56 AM   
ezzler

 

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We at the UK would also like to apologise for everything anyone feels we may have done in the past and would also like to assure everyone we will do everything in our power , short of actual physical or financial help , to make good for our forefathers misdeeds.

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 2:32:43 AM   
fatehunter

 

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I personally think the missionaries got what they deserve.

If someone came to me, told me the religious aspect of my culture was not only wrong but abhorent, then tried to sell me on their religion I might just eat them too.

But I don't. I'm polite and tell the JH I am not interested, tell the Christians the same, and just hope others don't try to kill me for my lack of belief in their particular belief.


(in reply to ezzler)
Post #: 11
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 2:40:49 AM   
robpost3


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quote:

ORIGINAL: morvwilson

We at the DAC would like to apologize to the first prat for being fired by the second prat.
The second prat that fired the first prat has been fired!
(Hey, wait a minute, I'm running out of prats! Help! I'm in a vicious apologie circle!)

Now, now, now; there will be quite enough of that!
We are talking here about good, clean wholesome canabilism, none of this tied up in a pretzel logic about prats...and no more apologies!!!
Carry on...




Attachment (1)

< Message edited by robpost3 -- 8/17/2007 2:42:25 AM >


_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."



(in reply to morvwilson)
Post #: 12
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 5:15:54 AM   
morvwilson


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We at the DAC apologize for our recent apologies.
Further we apologize in advance of any over apologizing we may do.

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 2:24:26 PM   
PunkReaper


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Being a rather international forum I feel that it may help us grow as people if we were to say, apologise for 10 things are countries have done in the past. I will go first:
We, the British would like to apologise for the following:

1. Still singing "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves" when clearly we don't.
2. Fooling Americans into thinking we all personally know the Queen, live in castles and talk posh, I for one have never even seen the Queen, speak Scouse (local Liverpool dialect) and was brought up in a housing estate.
3. Inventing King Authur and his roundtable and not telling Hollywood when they made all those films about him.
4. Inventing cricket as a prank then sniggerng when other countries made it their national sport.
5. The British Empire ( although all those maps with the countries we owned shaded in red were pretty cool)
6. Exporting David Beckham and his wife first to Spain and then to the US.....very very sorry about that.
7. Starting the Industrial Revolution resulting in us all sweating in factories instead of lounging around on farms playing with milk maids.
8. To France for regularly using their country as a battleground.
9. Personally to Ike99 for keeping the Falkland Islands (for even calling them the Falkland Islands)
10. Letting everyone think that all our spies live like James Bond and save the world on a regular basis.

Phew that feels better.




(in reply to morvwilson)
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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 2:49:08 PM   
Greyshaft


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From: Sydney, Australia
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Australians would like to apologise for

1. Kylie Minogue
2. Neighbours
3. Kylie Minogue (somehow one apology doesn't seem enough...)
4. Dennis Lillee (famous cricketer from the 1970's) offering a biro and old envelope to the Queen and asking for her autograph. Of course, proper protocol dictates that it should have been a new envelope. This incident happened when the Australian team was introduced to the Queen after winning a match. I recall seeing the event on TV which does date me somewhat
5. Not giving a toss about beig politically correct.
6. Taking up an enormous continent with only 20 million people while 200 million Indonesians to our north are crowded into an area less than a tenth of that.
7. Pretending that we are closely related to England, the USA and/or Asia depending on political expediency.
8. Not taking New Zealand seriously.
10. Not being able to count to ten.


_____________________________

/Greyshaft

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 3:09:35 PM   
PunkReaper


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That reminds me

11. Creating a whole country out of our own deported criminals (Australia)

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Post #: 16
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 5:49:39 PM   
robpost3


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From: the backwoods of Mass.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: morvwilson

We at the DAC apologize for our recent apologies.
Further we apologize in advance of any over apologizing we may do.

All right thats it...into to the pot with you...




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."



(in reply to morvwilson)
Post #: 17
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 6:39:55 PM   
Yogi the Great


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From: Wisconsin
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Apologise????

Obviously you've mistaken us for someone who really gives a crap!

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/17/2007 7:40:45 PM   
7th Somersets

 

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And I would like to take the credit for everything good done by my forebears - I will be passing the hat around later for any contributions people might wish to make to atone for all the bad things your forebears have done.


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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/19/2007 9:12:54 AM   
105mm Howitzer


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Being from Canada, a good and wholesome country, we have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Indeed, we still await apologies from pretty much everybody else for a myriad of reasons;
1- Helping save, not once, but twice UK's bacon in this century, eh? ( that goes for France too)
2- Trying to keep order in the most remotest of places in this world ( Cyprus, Sinai, Congo, Laos, Haiti, Quebec)
3- Being forced to wear silly sky blue berets and driving white-oainted vehicles bearing overlarge UN logos in combat zones
4- Being lied to by above-mentioned UN about the sacred duty to protect innocents in these combat zones
5- Not being recognized in any forum/blog about our STELLAR combat record in this or any past century.
6- Having to defend Americans constantly to others by stating "really, they're not so bad, just a bit enthusiastic"
7- Still not getting credit for it

Therefore, I request that all countries mentioned above ( yes, you too, Australia) contribute 2% of their GNP towards the upkeep of our largely non-existant Armed Forces. All contributions to be send care of P.M. Parliament Hill, Ottawa, Canada.

I personally thank you all...
( all rise for our National Anthem....O Canadaaaa...)

_____________________________

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/19/2007 10:42:05 AM   
ilovestrategy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: 105mm Howitzer

Being from Canada, a good and wholesome country, we have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Indeed, we still await apologies from pretty much everybody else for a myriad of reasons;
1- Helping save, not once, but twice UK's bacon in this century, eh? ( that goes for France too)
2- Trying to keep order in the most remotest of places in this world ( Cyprus, Sinai, Congo, Laos, Haiti, Quebec)
3- Being forced to wear silly sky blue berets and driving white-oainted vehicles bearing overlarge UN logos in combat zones
4- Being lied to by above-mentioned UN about the sacred duty to protect innocents in these combat zones
5- Not being recognized in any forum/blog about our STELLAR combat record in this or any past century.
6- Having to defend Americans constantly to others by stating "really, they're not so bad, just a bit enthusiastic"
7- Still not getting credit for it

Therefore, I request that all countries mentioned above ( yes, you too, Australia) contribute 2% of their GNP towards the upkeep of our largely non-existant Armed Forces. All contributions to be send care of P.M. Parliament Hill, Ottawa, Canada.

I personally thank you all...
( all rise for our National Anthem....O Canadaaaa...)


Being an American I have to give you my thanks for #6.

_____________________________

After 16 years, Civ II still has me in it's clutches LOL!!!
Now CIV IV has me in it's evil clutches!

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Post #: 21
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/19/2007 8:20:59 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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From: Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greyshaft

Australians would like to apologise for

1. Kylie Minogue
2. Neighbours
3. Kylie Minogue (somehow one apology doesn't seem enough...)
4. Dennis Lillee (famous cricketer from the 1970's) offering a biro and old envelope to the Queen and asking for her autograph. Of course, proper protocol dictates that it should have been a new envelope. This incident happened when the Australian team was introduced to the Queen after winning a match. I recall seeing the event on TV which does date me somewhat
5. Not giving a toss about beig politically correct.
6. Taking up an enormous continent with only 20 million people while 200 million Indonesians to our north are crowded into an area less than a tenth of that.
7. Pretending that we are closely related to England, the USA and/or Asia depending on political expediency.
8. Not taking New Zealand seriously.
10. Not being able to count to ten.


(in reply to Greyshaft)
Post #: 22
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/19/2007 8:38:46 PM   
Cap Mandrake


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I found this.






Attachment (1)

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 3:19:21 AM   
Zap


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I got a kick out this thread. Somehow Cannables is an interesting topic to me unless I'm the one being cannalbalized, then I want no part of it.

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RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 4:51:47 AM   
Mark VII


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I heard that a while ago in a skit on the Johnboy and Billy radio show. They replay it every once in a while, always makes me laugh!


quote:

ORIGINAL: robpost3

Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!

The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!



_____________________________


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Post #: 25
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 6:55:36 AM   
SMK-at-work

 

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From: New Zealand
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Aussies also need to apologise for Fosters and Shane Warne - but at least they won't have to apologise for fatty for very long...looks like he might prefer to be German....

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Post #: 26
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 9:36:29 AM   
Gil R.


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Joined: 4/1/2005
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Okay, this post merits two responses, for which see below.

quote:

ORIGINAL: robpost3

Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!

The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!



First, the shorter response, about the pineapple. Reminds me of the fact that in ancient Athens there was a law on the books -- how often it was enforced, if ever, our sources don't tell us -- that a man who found another man with his wife could punish the guy by sticking a narrow sort of fish (like a mullet) up his rear end and then using a radish as the stopper. There's actually a Greek verb, made up by the comic poet Aristophanes (I believe), that translates as "to radish+fish-up-the-rear" someone.

Second, there's another joke similar to the one you told, which might as well be shared here. First thing I thought of when I saw the initial post. It's best told somewhat obscenely, but I'll clean it up a bit. Also, to save typing, I'll give you the abbreviated version. So...

Three missionaries are caught violating a sacred burial ground on a southwest Pacific island (or in Africa, or anywhere that people wear grasses). They're apprehended and brought before the chief, who says he will mercifully give them a choice: Death or "Hunga-bunga." The first man says that anything's better than death, so he'll choose Hunga-bunga, whatever that is. Whereupon all of the men of the tribe have their way with him throughout the night, in every way that can be imagined. The next day, the second missionary is given the same choice, and not wanting to die, steels himself to endure the hunga-bunga, which he does. On the third day the third missionary, having been tortured by the screams of his comrades for two straight nights, decides he couldn't bear to suffer what they had or to live with the memories, so he announces to the chief his choice: "I will face death." Whereupon the chief pronounces: "Okay, I sentence you to death... by hunga-bunga!"

(In the movie "The Aristocrats," Martin Mull tells a godawful version of this joke in which "hunga-bunga" is replaced by the phrase "The Aristocrats," and the genius eliminated when the chief says "Okay, death it is -- but first, the Aristocrats." I thought Mull's a professional; I'll never understand why that man has a career.)

< Message edited by Gil R. -- 8/20/2007 9:42:43 AM >


_____________________________

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Post #: 27
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 3:50:29 PM   
robpost3


Posts: 465
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From: the backwoods of Mass.
Status: offline
Gil R.
Now that you have gone and opened up a can of Martin Mull, please be note that you are now resigned to spend enternity stuck in an elevator listening to Mull-music ( I wonder if the Mull-et was his doing?), please perpare yourself for such exquisite torture from title songs and standards such as: I'm Everyone I Ever Loved, Dueling Tubas, ";"(How Could I Not Miss)a Girl Your Size", Ventriloquist Love, Captain Soup, I Haven't the Vegas Idea, The Mother-in-law Song, Trailer Waltz....Sorry you brought this upon yourself, just like Cthulu mythos has that ***** the unspeakble entity (ha! thought I get myself there by actually thinking the name) , if you utter the name strange smoke comes from no-where and in a flash you have summond your doom!
So into the elevator bub, don't bother pressing a floor button, its one-way trip from here; next stop:






Attachment (1)

< Message edited by robpost3 -- 8/20/2007 3:58:44 PM >


_____________________________

The Yankee Motto:
Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make do,
Or do without.
"God Help us, and God, come yourself.
Don't send Jesus, this is no place for children."



(in reply to Gil R.)
Post #: 28
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 4:24:42 PM   
Arkady


Posts: 1261
Joined: 5/31/2002
From: 27th Penal Battalion
Status: offline
not enough

Danes say sorry for Viking raids on Ireland
More than 1,200 years ago hordes of bloodthirsty Viking raiders descended on Ireland, pillaging monasteries and massacring the inhabitants. Yesterday, one of their more mild-mannered descendants stepped ashore to apologise.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,2149421,00.html






_____________________________


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Post #: 29
RE: sorry we ate your forefathers... - 8/20/2007 5:39:47 PM   
BAL


Posts: 222
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From: West of the Missouri
Status: offline
At least they didn't say, "Hmm, tastes like chicken." 

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Post #: 30
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