From: the backwoods of Mass.
Scientists Discover Undetectable Matter
LOS ALAMOS, NM - In a dramatic announcement, scientists revealed the discovery of huge amounts of undetectable matter in the universe. "This discovery is a key element in explaining the nature of the Cosmos" says Ravi Skywalker, lead cosmologist of The Missing Matter Project. This undetectable matter apparently accounts for a majority of the mass in the universe, and its discovery confirms long held theories of the universe's expansion. "For a long time our theories depended on there being huge amounts of matter in the universe that we have not yet detected" explains Skywalker. "The fact that this matter is undetectable fits our theories quite well."
The theory holds that previous theories considered space 'too empty' and that no new theories could be advanced unless space was significantly fuller. This 'full universe' line of thinking leaves some scientists skeptical. "We're approaching a brink where we might have to redefine what space really is." says Gordon Highbrow, professor of Cosmological Philosophy at Howyflyl University. "I mean, space is space, it's between things. If there's all this stuff out there, it's not really space anymore, is it?"
"The nature of the undetectable matter isn't important." replies Skywalkler. "It's just important that we now know it exists, and it needs to be studied." Skywalker and his team plan to ask for $1 billion in funding for research on the undetectable matter and the advancement of the new theories now available to them.
The scientists declined to discuss details of solving the seemingly insurmountable problem of detecting undetectable matter, citing the subject matter as 'too technical'. A full report - expected late next year after the funding approval - promises to provide more detail than can be deciphered.
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Wear it out,
Or do without.
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