Quite proud of this...
"Castle Crashers review:
This game honestly has me confused, not over the story, the characters or what the hell I just played. It’s that I have no idea whether I like it or not. It has some good things and bad things all are powerful and opinion swapping, It’s also got me particularly confused because I am a very opinionated person and not having an opinion on something is very rare and strange for me.
The first thing that I love about Castle Crashers is the graphics; they can be so cute and disturbing, that it honestly makes me want to live there. They also have a huge downfall and that is that (mostly if you have the fire knight/poison knight as your team-mate) threes so much going on that you seem to lose your mind and have no idea what to do. This happens to me lots of times to the point where I end up just dyeing on purpose and watch my friend own everyone and everything.
There is also a problem with accuracy, mostly with your crossbow and spells since the up down side-scrolling movement and is way too accurate because when you try and hit enemies that your electric and ice spells are useless.
There’s also the whole levelling system where the more times you hit in an enemy the more XP you get, seems good right? Because the people who suck will have weak weapons will hit them more! Yes and no, because the good players will have eliminated all the enemies before the weaker can get a piece of the action. Rendering the levelling system useless. There is also the stat system; you get two points-after levelling up- to give to any stat but only one point to give after level 20 and onward. These starts are: Strength/attack, Magic, Defence/Health Points and Agility/Speed. There is nothing bad or good about these so let’s move on.
The story is extremely hard to follow sometimes and the random map directions are also. There are things you get that you don't know what they are for is really irritating (e.g, the telescope, wheel and compass are things you get and at that point you may or may not have any idea what they are for and confuse you further) there is no narrative or explaining of what you need to do next.
Since the story isn't fleshed out enough you don't give two monkeys butt-cheeks about it at all. Of course, that doesn't mean there aren't any memorable moments, one of the main ones is the poo-powered dear that you find early on in the game and continues to appear throughout the game. This game relies on humour but most of it is the weird/creepy/disturbing looking enemies so if that’s not what you're after then the humour in this game isn't for you.
The actual battling itself is pretty decent, apart from the visual problems I mentioned before; it has a wide range of different animations for the same attack and different attacks for different combos. You get these by levelling up and increasing that stats-magic also does this.
The music in this game is absolutely the bees head shoulders (?) knees and toes, my favourites being the forest entrance theme and the necromancer theme.
The worst part of the entire game is the controls on a keyboard; it always shows the tutorial combos in Xbox controller style and leaves you to experiment when in the middle of a fight. You see my fellow PC gamers; this is what we get for being so loyal to our desktops! Also the translations SWITCH yes, you read me, SWITCH for example, it shows the it’s the X button on Xbox to pick up a weapon, the keyboard translation is d, okay, fair enough. Then you're fighting D is also X for light attack just like before, OH NO! Your enemy has sword clashed it tells you to press X on Xbox PRESS D PRESS D.Oh wait, noooo! It’s the space bar, how stupid! Aaaand you're dead, congratulations.
I should also mention the two other modes, All You Can Quaff and Arena Mode. All You Can Quaff is a simple button mashing game that takes place in a food eating contest, first to finish all the food wins, yay! Arena Mode is what you'd expect; you fight for glory in the ring of honour, RAAAH!
Anyways, that concludes my review of Castle Crashers and all its screw ups and giggles, hope you enjoyed it!"