ORIGINAL: Oliver Heindorf
I fired 40 Mk 14 Toprs so far, scoring one hit.
got some milk ?
But don't tell ComSubPac or the BuOrd that the damn torpedoes are faulty. They'll reply that YOU're faulty. And I am not kidding. Monty Python wouldn't do it any better if they could.
Blame for the inadequate weapon must be laid at the feet of the Bureau of Ordnance, which specified an unrealistically rigid magnetic exploder sensitivity setting and oversaw the feeble testing program. BuOrd hampered wartime investigation into Mark VI exploder problems by assigning the mechanism "secret" status, limiting knowledge of its inner workings to a few high-ranking officers, refusing to believe word of active duty sailors, laying blame for failures on these very same men, even deliberately mis-setting torpedoes to conceal defects. Servicemen were forbidden to disassemble the exploder. Additional responsibility must be assigned to the United States Congress, which cut critical funding to the Navy during the interwar years, and to NTS, which inadequately performed the very few tests made. BuOrd failed to assign a second naval facility for testing, and failed to give Newport adequate direction.
Sub commander: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The supply officer does not respond.)
Sub commander: 'Ello, Miss?
Supply officer: What do you mean "miss"?
Sub commander: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Supply officer: We're closin' for lunch.
Sub commander: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about these torpedoes that I was supplied with not half an month ago from this very ordnance warehouse.
Officer: Oh yes, the, uh, the Mark 14 torpedo...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Sub commander: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's faulty, that's what's wrong with it!
Supply officer: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's resting.
Sub commander: With all due respect, jackass, I know a faulty torpedo when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Supply officer: No no he's not faulty, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable torpedo, the Mark 14 torpedo, idn'it, ay? Powerful propellant!
Sub commander: The propellant doesn't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Supply officer: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Sub commander: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the torpedo) 'Ello, Mister Polly Eel! I've got a lovely fresh juicy target for you if you'd blow up...
(Officer hits the torpedo)
Supply officer: There, he moved!
Sub commander: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the eel!
Supply officer: I never!!
Sub commander: Yes, you did!
Supply officer: I never, never did anything...
Sub commander: (yelling and hitting the exploder contact detonator) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Boom!
(Sub commander disconnects the Mark VI exploder, pulls it out of the torpedo and thumps it on the offier's desk. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
< Message edited by Drakken -- 8/4/2009 7:20:55 PM >