Joke Thread

[JudgeDredd]

I thought it would be nice to have a joke thread....just in case there are any gems that I've missed over my few years of life...

Here's my one
What's the definition of a confident man?
A man who walks into his bedroom
Covered in lipstick
Stinking of perfume
and slaps his wife on the arse and says "You're next fatty"

[JudgeDredd]

ok...here's another one

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm whilst his wife is in bed reading a book
The man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"
The wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
And the man says "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"

[JeF]

OK, I'll bite.
I read this one not so long ago. I try to translate it as best as I can.

2015, 4th Striker Brigade takes part on a big urban firefight, somewhere out there.

Being equipped with the latest model of voice recognition battle computer (VRBC), Captain Burns, Alpha Company, asks the battle computer :
- Computer, given the current situation, should I retreat or go forward ?

Computer thinks for some verrry long minutes and answer via the speech synthesis sub-system :
- Yes.

Burns is shocked !
- Yes, what !

Computer starts to think again and answers :
- Yes, sir !

[JudgeDredd]

LOL...very good Jef.

Welcome to the smiley thread!

[robpost3]

ORIGINAL: JudgeDredd

I thought it would be nice to have a joke thread....just in case there are any gems that I've missed over my few years of life...

Here's my one
What's the definition of a confident man?
A man who walks into his bedroom
Covered in lipstick
Stinking of perfume
and slaps his wife on the arse and says "You're next fatty"

[:D]
umm...that could also be covered under famous last words[;)]

[robpost3]

A ducks walks into a drugstore and says, "Give me some chapstick. And put it on my bill."


A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Pirate! Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"

The pirate answers, "Aargh! It's drivin' me nuts!"



A pair of jumper cables and a bra walk into a bar.

The Bartender says "OH no. I am NOT serving you two!!"

"Why not??" asks the bra.

"Well, you're clearly off your tits and your mate looks like he's gonna start something!"

[Plodder]

Here's a few clean ones(most of the ones I know are unprintable[:D]):

Jay had been looking forward to his first skydiving lesson for ages. "Now, class," said the instructor, "you've got to jump. count to ten, then pull the ripcord". Jay was so excited he wasn't really paying attention. He said "P-p-p-p-pardon m-m-me,wh-wh-wh-what w-w-was th-th-th-that n-n-number ag-ag-again?"
"Two", the instructor replied.


"How long have you been working here?" asked a new employee to a co-worker. The other guy replied,"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me" .

and finally..

Nine out of ten guys prefer women with large breasts.The tenth guy usually prefers the nine other guys..

[Monadman]

Never let them touch the grill:

A gentleman who had always dreamed of jumping from a plane and gliding to earth finally decided to take parachuting lessons. During his solo jump, he pulled the cord but to his dismay the chute did not open. Not one for panicking, he pulled the cord for the reserve chute, but it too did not open. As he fell rapidly to the earth he noticed a women rocketing up towards him at about the same speed as he was falling. As they approached each other the man yelled: “Do you know anything about parachutes?” The woman screamed out as she passed by: “No, do you know anything about gas grills?”

Richard

[Yogi the Great]

Hillary says to Bill, My advisors say in order to get the confidence of the common man we need to go to Wal-Mart, buy simple outfits, then visit a small town bar with a popular dog like a labrador and do small talk.

So they did, a farmer came in talked with them and then left.  Soon another person came in, walked up to the dog and lifted it's tail and then walked out.  Then another did the same thing and then another.  When the next one came in Hillary asked is this a local custom?  He replied, no, but word on the street is that there was a dog in here with two assholes? [:D]

By the way, if the joke bothers you for some reason, just change the character names to George and Laura.

[JudgeDredd]

LOL

Love it. This is why I started the thread...because there are many, many jokes out there that some people never hear (or forget and they're worth remembering)

Here's another

Three blokes are out on the piss one night.
At the end of the night, they all make their way homes knowing that they can discuss the night the next day as they always do...at the local cafe.
So they meet up at the cafe the next day, and the first guy says "I done something terrible last night...when I got home, I blew chunks" (chunks is another name for being sick in Britain)
The other guy said, that's nothing. When I got home, I got hungry and cooked some toast. I woke up with the wife hitting me and the fire alarm going off!"
The third guy said "Ha! That's nuttin m8. I got home and peissed on my wife in bed!!"

And the first guy said "I don't think you boys understand...Chunks is the name of my dog!"

That's my favourite!!

[Brigz]

(Please excuse the obvious stereotyping but I hope it's taken in good faith as part of the joke. I apologize if any Asian readers are offended.)

A Chinese couple gets married - she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding
night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and yoo
berry fwighten.
I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting yoo wan, I do anyting -
juss ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?"
he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress
his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I wan try someping I have hear about...
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori '' ?

[JudgeDredd]

LMAO Dave. Nice one.

I would hope that anyone reading these will not take offense. As the topic starter, I will welcome all jokes of the Scottish sort (being Scottish...and none more patriotic than I!)

Please...to everyone reading these...do not take offense. Humour is one of the last good things in life...take it how it's meant. [&o]

[Brigz]

One of my lady friends recently sent me this one:

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toiletpaper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Yogi the Great]

I should stay out of this thread, but here are two old and of questionable taste:
 
Man walks into bar and up to a beautiful woman and asks, would you sleep with me for a million bucks.
She says sure.
He says would you sleep with me for a dollar.
She says, get lost, what kind of girl do you think I am.
He says, we already established that, we're just haggling over the price!
 
Tourist on an old west vacation notices an Indian outside of one of the stores.  When a beautiful woman walks by the Indian raised his hand and said "Chance."
Next good looking girls, once again he raises his hand and says "Chance."
After a third time the topurist walked up to the Indian and said, "Excuse me, but don't you mean to say How?"
The Indian replied, "Me know how, me need chance!"
 

[JudgeDredd]

143 reads and less than a dozen jokes? Come on people!!

[robpost3]

I would hope that anyone reading these will not take offense. As the topic starter, I will welcome all jokes of the Scottish sort (being Scottish...and none more patriotic than I!)

o.k. two for JudgeDredd:
Slap On A Train
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .

Ode Tae A Fart
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
lurks in your belly after the feastie
Jist as you sit doon amang yer kin
There starts tae stir an enormous win'

The neeps 'n'tatties 'n' mushy peas
Start workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi the sauncie face
Will hae ye blowin 'a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonny huv tae pay
Even when ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Ye hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
An try tae stop the leakin' air
Shiftin' yersel fae cheek tae cheek
An pray tae god it disnae reek

But aw yer efforts go asunder
When oot it comes, a clap 'o thunder
Richochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom!

God Almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin'
Wan or twa ur nearly boakin
A'll feel better fur a while
Canny help but raise a smile

"Wis him!" I shout wi accusin' glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
"Ye durty bugger!" they shout and stare
A dinna feel welcome any mair

But where ye go ,let yer win' gang free
Sounds like jist the job tae me
But whit a fuss at Rabbies party
Owe the sake 'O' wan wee farty.

[JudgeDredd]

Slap On A Train
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .

I love that. I've never  heard that one before. Excellent. Thx for the chuckle!

[Plodder]

How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?
 
 
 
JUST F$%#ING ONE OK?!!!!

[Jevhaddah]

Breakfast room in the Honeymoon Hotel the night after the FIRST night three new brides, English, Irish and Scottish respectivly are sitting discussing their first night of married life.

The English Bride says "My what a night, my Hubert made love to me five times. I told him he was wonderful and that I felt complete."

The three women sighed in unison..

The Irish Bride said " Well.. my Paddy made love to me 10 times... I told him this morning that I was the happiest and luckiest lass in the world."

The three women sighed in unison..

The Scottish Bride, looked at the other two and said " My Shug only made love to me once..."

The other Brides, shocked, but secretly amused by this said "Oh dear thats terrible Senga. What did yoo say to him this morning?"

Senga looked at the other two and shrugged.. " I told him to get aff, I wanted my breakfast"

[:D]

Cheers

Garion

[robpost3]

A Blonde Near-Death Experience



A blonde had a near death experience that changed her life forever. One day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.

She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just as she was plummeting towards the ground, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she felt the top half of her body slam to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it.